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...i dont wanna write this down, im gonna tell you how i feel right now...
i want to make a quilt
of all the patches and find
one long strong pole
to lift it up

i've a mind to build
a whole new world
want to play?
Hmmm, Great day, bad fire.
Friday. 3.26.04 4:32 pm

Ok, so last night i laid down. For the thousandth time, i had some kinda disagreement with Dewayne. Like we always do. I guess sometimes ( even though i love him more than anything and think the world of him) that maybe we're a strange match. Meaning, i have no clue why we are friends. We absolutely have nothing in common. And when i say nothing, im not exxagerrating. But thats a different story, but now i think there's a reason for that... I got into bed complaining about how bad everything is going for me. How I feel like nothing is going my way. How classes are getting harder, time is getting shorter, and I always have a problem with money or something or im always wondering how i'm going to get things i need for school. I laid there asking God why everything seems to messed up between me and my friends, or me and myself, why i've just been so sad lately. And then it hit me.

I cant remember the last time i actually PRAYED. I dont remember the last time i thanked him before i went to bed at night or when i got up in the morning. I cant remember the last time i got down on my knees and asked him to come into my situation. Its because I havent asked him. Things are screwed up because I've slowly shut Him out of my life, when i realize now that i can be nothing without HIm.

So i immediately got down on my knees and prayed for a long time, thanking Him for being there for me when I wasnt being what He wanted me to be. I thanked him because I have friends, who no matter how crazy i get, still care about me. I thanked him for keeping me when I was trying to control my own life, I thanked him for allowing me to fall when it came to friendships (to teach me a lesson, that you cant take it upon yourself to change people, all I can do is pray for them as well as be an example) i thanked him for life health strength, and a sound mind. God, a sound mind. Sometimes i think i need to ask Him for an extra. But all in all, i realize i need to keep my mind on him and not the things of this world.

So, today is a good day...except....

Lots of people are going to be homeless when next semester starts. Looks like they'll have to be housed in the hotel up the street. The new building at 933 broad is totally burned to the ground! You should have seen the flames! It was terrible. Burning derbi was flying and cathing other homes and buildings on fire blocks away! They had to close a few schools in the area early too! And today would be the day my phone would be off, but I'm fine. I hope my mom knows I'm ok. mmm, i had just decided nOT to walk over there to the bookstore too. I couldnt have if i wanted to. Broad street is a mess!


My english teacher thinks I'm great! And she thinks my papers are great and I write wonderfully for my age. I was so pleased that of course i had to praise God for that one because He blessed me with the gift! Also I have a genius of a aunt and mother, so i guess i got it from them. Im very proud of my writing. So hopefully this next paper will impress her even more "A" impress her... lol

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Its ReVeLuTiOnaRy
Monday. 3.22.04 1:44 am
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Monday. 2.23.04 6:19 pm
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I did it.
Saturday. 2.21.04 12:09 am
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I cried
Friday. 1.16.04 1:29 am
I don't cry usualy but i guess sometimes you just gotta let it out. I was talking to DeWayne the other day and he was talking how much fun High School was, and how he' give anything to go back. But no matter how badly i think im glad I've gotten out of High school, I realize now, that I miss it. I miss bing Anna- Marie all together. I miss being young, I miss things making sense. Like:

1. Being with Tamz and Alana and Dana 2 When sleepovers were cool 3. When Bryan was an ass 4. 2 words: Don Mega (being Annabear) 5. Setting the stove on fire (kickin it up a notch) 6. Paper cups, freshly made green or orange or red koolaid, and our spot on the hill 7. Josh's nose ( ALF) and takin our shoes 8. Writing in code, d was a ittle donut 9. When HOME was this little city and there wasnt much else to do but talk on the phone, go outside, and go to chuch. 10. Peabody: Boys, weave, Tims, Fubu, freestylin and bomb threats 11. how we had fun with NO money whatsoever 12. The mall (we never bought aything but we were happy) 13. B.R.A.T.S. (Bunni, Ruby, Animal Cracker, Twinkie, and Starlita Alize Jenkins) 14. The Halloween Sleepovers 15. Ridin in the car (Nelle, Pookie, Sal, Jarvis, DeJuan) 16. Broken AC light 17. Immature vs. NSYNC 18. A+ (F-) 19. Masterlock 20. Jessica and ...Bryan? ew 21. ARGS (55) 22. spinning around and falling 23. Playin Church with Grandma's piano and the old Burgandy Baptist Hymnal 24. Black Ice 25. Concert Choir 26. BOYS (optional) 27. BOYS (manditory) 28. Grandma 29. Aunt L, Chelle, Jae, and the LTD 30. Senior Year Contreversy, among the Juniors (She go wit who?) 31. Everyone else starting sexual activity early, enough to know wether they liked it or not (ie. Bunadette? thats her? OMG) when you thought that being like that wasnt real. well... 32. April, Abria, Ashley, Terena, and little Rick..and Big Rick. Tiffany, AMP, Ben, Staceyboi, Courtneyboi, Shannon,Jaquelette, and Bg Jessica. Lets not forge Jayzon. 33. Tanglewood 34, High Pearl Street 35. Dublin (Drug Central, Dopewell,VA) 36. Who is MeShaun?? 37.OMG... cannot forgetthis JOVAN 38. My first dumb kiss 39. My last dumb kiss 40. The Congregation (Holy Roller lunch Table) 41. when the crew was THE CREW 42. The DeJuan and Eesha fight 43. channel 99 lmao 44. Phone calls to FL with everyone listening 45. Ann and Joy 46. Vanessa and Lisa 47. Brittany and Norma 48. Tevin Campbell 49. innocence 50. love

I guess somewhere between me then and me now, i lost some of myself, gained some of other people. Now that I think about it, when have i truly been me fr the past few months. Is this me? Some really altered, changed, different me? I'm finally seeing things without a shade being pulled over my eyes. These are the things that were so funny, so important and a big part of my life and now, its like it never happened. I guess its made me realize that Im a grown woman now. Every decision i make is a prediction of what the rest of my life will be like. Now, I'm being forced to live all over again Some of the same friends, some dfferent. Doing thinks i wouldt normally do or say, living life in order to find all these missing things. Its gotten confusing learing to live again.

Would I go back, no, I'm so excited about the future. Its just too bad my new friends dont know who i used to be, and they probably wont. Remembering is more fun than doing it over again, so I gues i should just be hppy making new memories and finding myself somewhere around them.

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Here I am....
Tuesday. 11.11.03 3:25 pm
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